Confidence is often misunderstood. In popular culture, it is frequently portrayed as an unshakable belief in oneself, an impermeable armor against doubt and fear. However, Ethan Nichtern, in his book “Confidence: Holding Your Seat Through Life’s Eight Worldly Winds,” offers a more nuanced perspective. Nichtern, a renowned meditation teacher and author, redefines confidence not as a static state of self-assuredness but as a dynamic, ongoing practice of trusting that we can navigate our own minds. This article delves into Nichtern’s insights, exploring how we can cultivate genuine confidence by making friends with our inner experience, understanding the concept of equanimity, and navigating the eight worldly winds.
Confidence as Trusting We Can Navigate Our Own Minds
Nichtern begins by challenging the conventional notion of confidence. Rather than viewing it as a rigid state of certainty, he suggests that true confidence arises from the trust that we can navigate our own minds, no matter what arises. This trust is built through mindfulness, a practice that involves paying close attention to our thoughts, emotions, and sensations without judgment.
Mindfulness teaches us that our inner world is constantly changing. By observing these fluctuations without getting swept away, we learn to trust in our ability to stay present and engaged. Nichtern emphasizes that this trust is not about suppressing or ignoring difficult emotions but about developing the capacity to be with them. This approach allows us to face life’s challenges with greater resilience and adaptability.
Making Friends with Our Inner Experience
A crucial aspect of Nichtern’s teaching is the importance of making friends with our inner experience. This means accepting and even embracing the full range of our thoughts and feelings, rather than battling against them. Nichtern argues that much of our suffering comes from our resistance to what we are experiencing. By cultivating a friendly and curious attitude towards our inner world, we can reduce this resistance and find more ease and clarity.
This process involves recognizing that our thoughts and emotions are not inherently good or bad; they are simply part of our human experience. By befriending them, we create a more compassionate and understanding relationship with ourselves. This self-compassion is a key component of genuine confidence, as it provides a stable foundation from which we can navigate the ups and downs of life.
Equanimity: Realizing That Everything Affects Us
Nichtern also explores the concept of equanimity, which he defines as the realization that everything affects us. Equanimity is often misunderstood as a state of indifference or detachment. However, Nichtern clarifies that true equanimity is about acknowledging that we are deeply affected by our experiences while maintaining a balanced perspective.
This balance comes from understanding that our reactions to life’s events are natural and normal. Rather than trying to avoid or deny our responses, we can learn to accept them as part of being human. This acceptance allows us to remain grounded and centered, even in the face of adversity. By cultivating equanimity, we develop the ability to hold our seat through life’s eight worldly winds.
The Eight Worldly Winds
The eight worldly winds, as described by Nichtern, are the forces that constantly push and pull us throughout life. These winds are:
- Pleasure/Pain
- Praise/Blame
- Influence/Insignificance
- Success/Failure
Nichtern explains that these winds are an inevitable part of the human experience. We all encounter moments of pleasure and pain, praise and blame, influence and insignificance, success and failure. The key to maintaining confidence in the face of these winds is not to avoid them but to learn how to work with them skillfully.
Pleasure/Pain
Pleasure and pain are perhaps the most immediate and visceral of the worldly winds. We naturally seek pleasure and avoid pain, but Nichtern reminds us that both are transient. By practicing mindfulness, we can develop a more balanced relationship with these experiences. Rather than clinging to pleasure or resisting pain, we learn to observe them with curiosity and acceptance. This approach helps us stay grounded, even when we are caught in the throes of intense sensations.
Praise/Blame
Praise and blame are closely tied to our sense of self-worth. We often seek validation through praise and feel wounded by blame. Nichtern suggests that true confidence comes from understanding that our value is not determined by external feedback. By cultivating a stable sense of self-worth through mindfulness and self-compassion, we become less dependent on the opinions of others. This inner stability allows us to navigate praise and blame with greater equanimity.
Influence/Insignificance
Influence and insignificance relate to our desire for recognition and fear of being overlooked. In a world that often equates influence with success, it can be challenging to accept moments of insignificance. Nichtern encourages us to recognize that both influence and insignificance are temporary states. By focusing on our intrinsic values and the quality of our actions, rather than seeking external validation, we can find a deeper sense of fulfillment and confidence.
Success/Failure
Success and failure are perhaps the most culturally loaded of the worldly winds. We are often taught to measure our worth by our achievements and to fear failure as a sign of inadequacy. Nichtern offers a different perspective, suggesting that success and failure are simply outcomes of our efforts. By detaching our self-worth from these outcomes and focusing instead on our intentions and actions, we can develop a more resilient and enduring sense of confidence.
Showing Up and Working with Whatever Happens
One of the central themes in Nichtern’s book is the importance of showing up and working with whatever happens. This means being fully present and engaged with our experience, regardless of whether it is pleasant or challenging. By cultivating this attitude, we learn to trust in our ability to handle whatever arises. This trust is the essence of genuine confidence.
Nichtern emphasizes that showing up is not about pretending to be invulnerable or unaffected. It is about being willing to face our experiences head-on, with honesty and openness. This willingness to engage with life as it is, rather than as we wish it to be, is a powerful source of confidence.
Mindfulness: Feeling More but Suffering Less
Mindfulness, according to Nichtern, allows us to feel more but suffer less. This might seem paradoxical at first, but it makes sense when we consider the nature of suffering. Much of our suffering comes from our attempts to avoid or escape difficult emotions. By practicing mindfulness, we learn to face these emotions directly, which often reduces their intensity and duration.
Mindfulness helps us develop a deeper awareness of our inner world, which in turn allows us to respond to our experiences with greater skill and compassion. This increased awareness and responsiveness are key components of true confidence, as they enable us to navigate life’s challenges with greater ease and resilience.
The First Arrow/Second Arrow Metaphor from Buddhism
Nichtern draws on the Buddhist metaphor of the first arrow and the second arrow to illustrate how mindfulness can reduce our suffering. The first arrow represents the initial pain or difficulty we encounter in life. This arrow is often unavoidable and is a natural part of the human experience. The second arrow, however, represents the additional suffering we create through our reactions to the first arrow. This includes our resistance, judgment, and negative self-talk.
By practicing mindfulness, we learn to avoid shooting the second arrow. This means accepting the first arrow (the initial pain) without adding unnecessary suffering. This practice helps us develop greater equanimity and confidence, as we learn to face our challenges with clarity and compassion.
Not Pretending Something Painful Is Not Painful
Nichtern is clear that genuine confidence does not involve pretending that something painful is not painful. Instead, it involves acknowledging our pain and facing it with honesty and courage. This honesty is a crucial component of true confidence, as it allows us to engage with our experience authentically.
By accepting our pain without denial or resistance, we create the space for healing and growth. This acceptance is not about resignation or passivity; it is about recognizing the reality of our experience and responding to it with compassion and wisdom.
The Normalness of Reacting to the Eight Worldly Winds
Nichtern reminds us that it is normal to react to the eight worldly winds. Our reactions are part of being human, and they do not signify a lack of confidence or strength. By normalizing these reactions, we can reduce the shame and self-judgment that often accompany them.
This normalization allows us to approach our experiences with greater compassion and understanding. By accepting our reactions as a natural part of the human experience, we can develop a more balanced and resilient sense of confidence.
Being Willing to Admit That We’re Having an Experience
A significant aspect of Nichtern’s teaching is the willingness to admit that we are having an experience. This means being honest with ourselves about what we are feeling and thinking, without trying to suppress or deny it. This honesty is a crucial step in developing genuine confidence, as it allows us to engage with our experience directly.
By admitting our experience, we create the opportunity for growth and transformation. This willingness to face our inner world with honesty and courage is a powerful source of confidence.
Why Hope Can Be a Trap Just as Much as Fear
Nichtern explores the idea that hope can be a trap just as much as fear. While hope can be a motivating force, it can also lead to unrealistic expectations and disappointment. When we place too much emphasis on hope, we can become attached to specific outcomes, which can undermine our confidence when things do not go as planned.
Nichtern suggests that a more balanced approach involves recognizing the limitations of hope and focusing instead on our present actions and intentions. This approach allows us to stay grounded and resilient, even when our hopes are not realized.
The Stress That Comes with the Possibility of Good Things
The possibility of good things can create its own kind of stress. Nichtern points out that the anticipation of positive outcomes can lead to anxiety and pressure. This stress arises from our attachment to specific
